Who Am I?

I can easily see that I have a body, thoughts and emotions. The body has been accumulated over a period of time. I have collected my thoughts out of experiences, learning, reading and listening to other people. I have also my emotions and feelings. But if I really pay attention to all this, then I realize that I really do not know who I am. This situation puts me in a great perplexity. I do not find any way to figure out the answer to this question. I read books, listen to people and practice the religious doctrines but deep down I know that they do not help me much in this regard. My ignorance is still there. My beliefs attract the counter beliefs and I find myself trapped. People around me are as ignorant as I am. There are a number of philosophies and theories on this question but they cannot quench my thirst. I can analyze, interpret and explain but the ignorance remains there. It does not go away. It feels as if I really miss the mark. As if I am trapped and find no way to move. My thoughts and emotions are borrowed. I inherit my language which is itself limiting. My name and identity are inherited. They do not feel substantial to me. Nothing substantially changes whether I am called by this or that. I find myself living in a matrix. How ridicolous and bizarre it looks when I use the word ‘I’ without knowing who I really am. Who is there within me who asks such questions, I wonder. Why this persistant ignoranc is always there. Why this sense of ignorance does not leave me when I know my name and belonging? This ignorance kills me. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to committ. I do not know what to live or die for. Why the world looks to me such a big drama? Why people are so crazy. Why they do not question the way I do. Why they have committed themselves to shadows and illusions. Why do they pretend that they know so much when their notions and beliefs are borrowed. Why they do not wake up. Why do they wage war against each other. Why they insist on saving their constructed identities? Why are they trapped by their thoughts and emotions? Why do they not challenge themselves? What does keep them to live such a monotonous and mechnical life? What a strange state of sleep is it? Why do I feel misfit among them? There is no much difference between a child and an adult. Both are struggling to keep and collect more and more toyes. Whats’ truly going on? Is there some one who can guide us? Where should we go? To whom should we consult? The darkness seems too vast and too great to be dispelled. Perhaps only a miracle will help us here. Look how much suffering we have created all around us! Look how many wars we have waged upon one another! Look at our faces, please. What is there on them? Shadows of fear and perplexity. This does not make any sense to me, believe me. Why life looks so cruel and indifferent? What sins we have committed? Is there no solution or grace available to us? Why we do not stop this drama? How long we will remain and suffer from this ignorant state? When will the deliverance be availabel to us? Is it possible to truly know who I am? Will I be lucky to see one day my true and original face? How long will I live with such borrowed name and identity? Will I be able to taste the sweet juice of life? Where are you my dear life? Can you not see how deep I yearn for you? Can you not see how deep I suffer from the pain of your separation? Are you never going to show me your beloved face? Can you not see and feel my tears? Why you do not show any mercy to me? Am I that bad or sinful? Can you not see how much burden I go through every day. I am too tired to live such an ignorant and miserable life. Why do you avoid me, o my dear life?

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